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From: guest (Gypsy)
, 90 months, post #1 |
https://www.fictionmania.tv/stories/readtextstory.html?storyID=147662364256041244
needed to write something, as I have been editing and editing and
editing a different story and I needed to write something
I need a review or two... I feel something honest would help
my best to everyone, thank you for your time
Gypsy
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From: guest (1RTH)
, 90 months, post #2 |
I actually thought it was pretty good, if not a little lengthy.
The first thing that I want to point out is that a person's
posterior is called a butt not a "but"; you also wrote that the
character takes his shoes off and then does that again in the next
sentence. There were a couple of times after the sister is
introduced that you suddenly switch from using 'him' to 'her' and I
wasn't quite sure who you were talking about. The grammar and
punctuation seemed alright, and besides maybe a little bit more
proofreading I think you did pretty well compared to a lot of other
stories I have read. I wish I could help you more in this
department but I didn't pay much attention in English class.
Other than that I thought that it was pretty well done with quite a
bit more darkness than I am use to in a TG story. The issue with
the parents actually hit home a bit for me, and I wouldn't mind
reading anything else that you have to offer.
So to sum it up. Keep up the good work and have a magical chili
powder filled day.
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From: guest (Gypsy)
, 90 months, post #3 |
Thank you
Butt and but... I have to remember that, thank you
re- the shoes, I missed that. I suspect that I wrote up to one
sentence, went to work and returned and started again and did not
read what I had written. Again, thank you.
Yes, I know that my writing is dark. Its the old writer thing-
"write what you know." I come from darkness so... I understand if
its not your thing.
Sorry that the parent thing hit home with you, I understand, and I
feel for you.
You wish to help? That is cool. Well you did, you taught me
something, and helped me see a flaw in my writing. You helped.
Thanks, I will try a little harder on the next one
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From: Mr. Ram
, 90 months, post #4 |
Good story, I posted a review at Fictionmania.
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