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From: guest (Gypsy) , 90 months, post #1
https://www.fictionmania.tv/stories/readtextstory.html?storyID=147662364256041244

needed to write something, as I have been editing and editing and editing a different story and I needed to write something

I need a review or two... I feel something honest would help

my best to everyone, thank you for your time

Gypsy

From: guest (1RTH) , 90 months, post #2
I actually thought it was pretty good, if not a little lengthy.

The first thing that I want to point out is that a person's posterior is called a butt not a "but"; you also wrote that the character takes his shoes off and then does that again in the next sentence. There were a couple of times after the sister is introduced that you suddenly switch from using 'him' to 'her' and I wasn't quite sure who you were talking about. The grammar and punctuation seemed alright, and besides maybe a little bit more proofreading I think you did pretty well compared to a lot of other stories I have read. I wish I could help you more in this department but I didn't pay much attention in English class.

Other than that I thought that it was pretty well done with quite a bit more darkness than I am use to in a TG story. The issue with the parents actually hit home a bit for me, and I wouldn't mind reading anything else that you have to offer.
So to sum it up. Keep up the good work and have a magical chili powder filled day.

From: guest (Gypsy) , 90 months, post #3
Thank you

Butt and but... I have to remember that, thank you

re- the shoes, I missed that. I suspect that I wrote up to one sentence, went to work and returned and started again and did not read what I had written. Again, thank you.

Yes, I know that my writing is dark. Its the old writer thing- "write what you know." I come from darkness so... I understand if its not your thing.

Sorry that the parent thing hit home with you, I understand, and I feel for you.

You wish to help? That is cool. Well you did, you taught me something, and helped me see a flaw in my writing. You helped.

Thanks, I will try a little harder on the next one

From: Mr. Ram , 90 months, post #4
Good story, I posted a review at Fictionmania.

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