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From: guest (anon)
, 113 months, post #1 |
Just wanted to share this idea I'm currently working on. Feedback
would be much appreciated.
Andy made his fifth trip to the window in 30 minutes. �Nothing� he
muttered. Just rain. It had been raining for three days now and it
was starting to get depressing in here. His small one bedroom
apartment where he had lived with his wife for only a few months
now. He had lost his job and they had agreed to sell their house
and �downsize their lives�. He and his wife Melanie had been
married 17 years. Lots of highs and lows but this was about as low
as he�d felt in all that time. And he could tell she felt the same.
He stared into the bathroom mirror wondering when he exactly let
himself go to shit. �I�ve got bigger tits than my wife� he groaned
as he lifted up his flabby stomach and let it sag back down. They
were both turning 50 this month. Melanie�s birthday was tomorrow
and he�d been avoiding her all week. She was never fun to be around
on her birthday. Still, he hadn�t gotten her a gift. It was a toss
up he figured. �Either she�ll be pissed I didn�t get her something
or she�ll be pissed I spent money we don�t have.� It was a lose,
lose.
He walked again to the window. The only good thing about this place
was the view. Not of the run down parking lot. It was her. His
neighbor from down the hall. She usually gets home from the gym
about this time. �You�re late�.� he cried to himself. She must have
been about half his age, 25, 26 he figured. Right about now she
should be strutting through the hall in her tight yoga pants and
skimpy top. Her walk alone would leave Andy gasping for breath.
That butt. It was like a cobra. Side to side, up and down, with
such confidence that he felt powerless to even speak when she was
near. She must be either a stripper or a fitness model because
nobody looks that good unless they have to. Everything was always
perfect. From her outfits to her meticulous make up to her
incredibly fit legs and arms. And that wasnt even what got him
most. It was the hair. Red hair. It was like redder than red.
Obviously a dye job but it looked other-worldly on her. Like a
Jessica Rabbit or that cartoon mermaid chick. And always styled
differently. She looked like she was always off to some magazine
shoot or something. �Flawless� he would catch himself say when he
saw her.
He only knew her name from her mailbox. Amanda McCall. Occasionally
she might say hello in he hall if he happened to pass. Her sweet
voice. He suspected she might be British. But he never talked to
her long enough to confirm it. He just couldn�t. Mostly he would
just press his face at his door and peer down the hallway at her
through the peep hole. Because thats what its for right? Peeping.
Where was she today though?
�I�m going down there� he thought. Maybe if he pretended to check
his mail he�d get a closer look as she came in. Hell, maybe she�d
accidentally bump into him. Maybe she was a Breaking Bad fan and
would think his Walter White T-Shirt was really cool and they�d
head back to her place for a little marathon viewing and who knows
what else?
He was halfway down to stairs to the common area when something
struck him out of the corner of his eye. A glare from the steps. He
bent over to pick up a tiny ring. It was thin, gold, he thought. It
had four small red stones around it. �I should bring this to the
front office� was his first thought. His second was much more
selfish.
�Happy Birthday honey� he smiled as he handed the small box over to
his wife. She loved jewelry. It was really the only thing that made
her feel pretty these days. So sometimes she over did it. She was
never really a head turner. But her and Andy met in their 30�s and
they both felt like this might be their last chance to marry and
start a family. The family never happened. And the marriage never
made it farther than both of them always wondering if they made the
right choice with each other.
�Where did you get this?� she asked suspiciously. �Don�t worry
about that� he assured. �You like it, right?�
She held it up to the light. �It�s odd, I�ve never seen stones like
these.�
�But you love it right?� he pushed.
�Will you stop!?� she suddenly shot back. � We can�t afford
this�.we can�t afford this shitty apartment or the shitbox car
we�ve had for 12 years! If I want jewelry I�ll buy it myself!�
�Great. Happy fucking birthday!� he shouted. �I knew I couldn�t win
this one!�
�Maybe if you had a job, made some money and wanted to spend it on
me, I would think that was sweet. But when you take the money I
make and spend it on shit jewelry��
He cut her off there. �I�m not having this. I try to do something
nice and I get shit. I�m going to Joe�s� He slammed the door. As
mad as he was, he was thinking more about the possibility of
running into Amanda in the hall. Maybe she would appreciate a near
50 year old overweight, jobless, miserable guy. Not likely.
Melanie was still heated. Unsure if she had overreacted. Was this a
sincere, thoughtful attempt at a birthday gift? If it was, then
maybe she was a bit tough on Andy. But it was so hard lately. She
was so unhappy. With their situation, her home, her shitty clerical
job that left her as bored and tired as her marriage. She felt like
she had no where to go. She looked down at the ring. She�d
certainly never seen one like it before.
She looked up at the mirror. Her short mousy brown hair was
greying. She coundn�t hide her 5� 3� chubby figure in bulky
sweaters much longer. She�d never really felt attractive, but going
downhill from being below average was way more than she could take.
Maybe it was all her fault. She should be lucky to have Andy at all
she thought. Who else would want her.
�Not enough jewelry in the world� she thought as she slipped the
odd little ring over her finger.
Instantly her body quivered and felt like someone was squeezing her
in a vice. She heated up and could feel a sweat as she buckled over
quickly. Then a flash of light and she lost her balance. Her whole
center of gravity was thrown off and she hit the floor.
Something felt odd when she fell. Her chest felt heavier than
usual. As she stood up, everything felt foreign. Including the
reflection staring back at her in the mirror. A girl of maybe 25 in
tight workout clothes and blazing red hair pulled back in a tight
pony tail. She screamed. Then froze. She could feel the cool air
from the drafty apartment on her exposed skin and she knew this was
not a hallucination. She slowly moved a hand to her face and
watched this girl in her mirror do the same. �How can this be?� she
whispered. Still recognizing the sound of her own voice coming from
this strangers lips.
�The ring�.� she quickly thought as she looks down to see she still
had it on. Noticing her now perfectly manicured nails. She slowly
slid it off her finger instantly feeling her body stretch and
shrink back down until her own familiar gaze looked back from her
mirror. Her frumpy brown sweater that she hated. Her whispy thin
shoulder length hair. The lines across her forehead prominent as
she raised her brow convinced she must be crazy. �Okay�I�ve lost my
mind� as she laid the ring on her dresser. Her hand hovering over
it as her heart felt like it was going to leap out of her chest. Is
this real?
She snatched up the ring and quickly slid it back over her finger.
With a flash her skin snapped like a rubber band back into the 20
something redhead. Her tight white yoga pants and top, clinging to
her newly toned body. She gently rubbed her now pierced belly
button and looked up with a smile.
�Wow�..shit�.I am fucking hot!!� She screamed again. This time
happily with a bit a laugh as well. Doing spins and poses in to the
mirror to catch every inch of her new body until she suddenly
became very familiar with her reflection. �It�s you�.that girl from
down the hall!�This is her!� She leaned her face into the mirror.
�I�m her!�
She quickly flashed back to the huge fight she�d had with Andy when
she had caught him hypnotized by the sultry redhead walking out of
her apartment dressed to kill on her way out for the night. She
laughed at him and told him �Not on your best day would a girl like
that even look at you unless you were picking up her garbage!� She
remembered how pissed he got at that.
Flashing her magical ring in front of her new face, Melanie
grinned. Not her awkward crinkled smile that she had been so
embarrassed by before. No more. Now she looked as if she had walked
off a magazine cover. And she had never felt more strong and full
of energy than right now.
A key in the door. Shit. It�s Andy.
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From: cj
, 113 months, post #2 |
I can see this story taking a few different paths, both light or
dark.
Sounds like you have a solid start. Put the rest of it together,
polish it up a bit, and I think you'll have a good story.
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From: guest
, 113 months, post #3 |
I really hope you decide to run with this idea. I absolutely love
these kinds of stories.
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From: guest (Anon)
, 113 months, post #4 |
Thanks. I'm definitely moving ahead with this. Might end up being
pretty long though. Got lots of ideas. This is the inspiration that
started me on this:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6DQb-UTRIzs
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From: guest
, 113 months, post #5 |
Have you ever thought of releasing it chapter by chapter?
And I'm all for taking your time and making sure it's done right. I
just hope that ring allows Melanie to transform into many different
people, not just the girl from down the hall.
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From: guest (Anon)
, 113 months, post #6 |
Yeah, I thought about releasing a bit at a time. Would that be okay
to do on this message board? Or is it annoying to leave those long
posts? Let me know. I'm up for it. And yes, they haven't even
scratched the surface of the rings power.
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From: cj
, 113 months, post #7 |
It would be better to release the story on a proper story site,
this site was not designed to archive stories.
However, please let us know where to find your story, by posing a
quick note here. You can do so for each chapter release.
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From: guest (Anon)
, 113 months, post #8 |
Will do. Would anyone be able to recommend a good site to do that?
Fictionmania comes to mind but do people still go there anymore?
Doesn't seem to be very TF related any longer.
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From: hskfmn
, 113 months, post #9 |
I honestly can't think of a better location at the moment. I've
never submitted a story to FM, so I don't know what's involved, but
perhaps now's as good a time as any to try and orient it back
toward TF content.
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From: guest
, 113 months, post #10 |
I'm sure one of the people who run those caption blogs would be
willing to post it up for you.
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From: guest (Zoe)
, 113 months, post #11 |
I wouldn't mind posting it on mine if you want but my blog isn't
super popular or anything (:
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From: guest
, 113 months, post #12 |
Any story updates?
The first part looks promising..
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From: guest (Anon)
, 113 months, post #13 |
Sorry, holidays are over now and I am back at it. Will have a full
polished chapter up soon. Still not sure where though.
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From: guest (Anon)
, 113 months, post #14 |
OK...here is a more polished first chapter in this story. Hope you
like it.
https://tgcomics.com/forum/index.php?action=vthread&forum=7&topic=8018
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From: hskfmn
, 112 months, post #15 |
Excellent job so far! Keep up the great work!
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From: guest (Copper)
, 112 months, post #16 |
Nice story line so far.. Looking to the next update.
Good job.
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From: guest (anon)
, 112 months, post #17 |
added more.
https://tgcomics.com/forum/index.php?action=vthread&forum=7&topic=8018#msg174501
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From: guest
, 112 months, post #18 |
Nice work on the next chapter. One thing I would change is when you
have the characters speaker, separate each line in quotations like
this:
"blah blah blah"
"No, blah blah blah"
Trying to read two people conversing with the quotations back to
back "blah blah blah" "No, blah blah blah", is tough.
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From: guest
, 112 months, post #19 |
Looking forward to the next chapter...
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From: guest (Anon)
, 112 months, post #20 |
Thank you! Great advice too. I'll do that next chapter. Anyone have
any suggestions as to where they would like to see the story go or
who should turn into who??
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